Bruce Springsteen Lyrics From An Alternate Reality Where New Jersey is Overrun By Gigantic Carnivorous Rabbits
by Tom Batten
12/1/2017
All day we sweat it out working for the American dream
All night we huddle in fortified bunkers, listening to doomed men scream
As rabbits the size of Ford Econoline vans
Devour them whole, then spit out their hands
Why don’t they eat the hands?
Am I the only one who wonders why the rabbits don’t eat the hands?
From “They Don’t Eat The Hands”
Mary, I had that dream again
The one where I’m singing on stage
And I know that dreaming is frivolous
In the shadow of a big rabbit’s rage
Hey, let’s you and me go for a drive
And if I fail to get you back home alive
Baby I’ll write a song about you
Baby I’ll make it a good one
From “I Promise”
My girl has a heart like an engine
That roars hot and loud through the night
When she’s by my side I feel all right
Not as good as I’d feel tearing through the Meadowlands in an armored van
With machine guns mounted to the hood
Got me a girl with a heart like an engine
Not ideal, but still pretty good
From “Rabbit Town (You Take What You Can Get)”
A rabbit ate the top of my father’s head
Ten days before I was born
And sometimes in the summer when the sun shines down
I wonder what it’d be like, if he was still around
I bet we would have been best friends
I bet he would have approved of my decisions
And encouraged me to pursue my dreams
And when he finally died of old age
There would be nothing unresolved between us
Yeah, not a thing unresolved between my daddy and me
From “Daddy”
I got a job working construction for the Johnstown Company
But then a rabbit eviscerated the foreman so I was out of work, suddenly
Now Mary’s always worrying about money
It’s like she blames me more than the bunny
I fucking hate living in New Jersey
And constantly wish I did not
From “We Can’t Even Go Swimming (Because Rabbits Claimed the River)”
Guy down at the refinery
Tried explaining the economy
I said, “Friend, don’t you understand?
I’m too busy staying ahead of the rabbits, man.”
From “No Time For Politics”
Hey I found a magic guitar
And when I play a certain chord
The monster rabbits obey me, like I’m their holy lord
Let’s take a ride on one’s back
I swear it will not attack
Unless to do so is my will
This incredible power is such a thrill!
Can you believe I used to think cars were cool?
Cars are for losers
Baby, we’re riding rabbits now
From “Cars Are For Losers”
Hopping towards Philadelphia
A herd of rabbits at my back
New York is already under my control,
Delaware’s been sacked
I hoped it wouldn’t come to war, so please try to remember
You were given multiples chances
To surrender
From “No Surrender”
Every now and then I see a friend from way back when
But they won’t meet my eyes
Once I was a boy with a heart full of fire
Now I’m the ruler of a Mid-Atlantic empire
It’s been fifteen years since I learned that chord
And used the rabbits to seize control
Sometimes I wonder if it cost me my soul
(Audience responds)
No, your majesty
Don’t say such a thing
Our lives are so much better
Now that you’re the king
You’re kind
You’re just
And we love you
You’re the boss!
You call me the boss,
You say you’re in awe
But isn’t that because you’re compelled to, by law?
(Audience Responds)
We were caught up in the moment
And forgot that was the law!
Our love for you has nothing to do
With the threat of death beneath a rabbit paw
And if you heard someone plotting my downfall,
What would you do?
(Audience responds)
Report them, of course
Because we love you!
You’re the boss!
That’s what I’m talking about
From “The National Anthem”
My name is Bruce Springsteen and I’m here to say
I sliced off a finger chopping carrots today
Which means I can no longer play the magic chord
That keeps me in charge of who gets gored
Now the rabbits are loose, my empire’s in shambles
Which is why I’m right here taking this gamble
That I can keep the bunnies docile and napping
By doing some passionate amateur rapping
All the rabbits in the house go, “Yawn!”
Fragment, discovered posthumously
